Age of consent
Among my search keyphrases so far this month:
“can people ever be berated and bashed into good health?”
I hope I’m in time to attend to that one for whoever was asking. The answer is:
NO!
Please, please, please, stop trying, please-oh-please. And tell all your friends.
Added while taking prim but lusty gulps from a very large glass of Coke: I’m aware that my tendency toward parentheticals and long modifiers can sometimes obscure my main point. With that in mind, I would like to make sure the above is absolutely clear.
NO, YOU CANNOT–
CANNOT
–BROWBEAT PEOPLE
INTO BEING HEALTHIER!
What you can do is be charming and warmly appreciative of those around you with all their idiosyncrasies. This will lead them to think that your way of life makes you a secure, happy person and encourage them to emulate it. Or maybe it won’t, but at least you won’t give yourself a stroke worrying about what they’re doing to themselves.
Wait…so are you saying you *can* browbeat people into being healthier? I’m so confused.
Okay, I’m only going to say this once, so get it straight.
Of course, you can browbeat people into being healthier. You just have to know the right lines. They are as follows:
“You’re smoking a cigarette? Those things’ll kill you, you know.”
“You’re drinking whole milk? That stuff’ll kill you, you know.”
“You eat red meat? That stuff’ll clog your arteries and kill you, you know.”
“How many drinks is that? Alcohol’ll harden your liver and kill you, you know.”
Of course, you occasionally get socked if you deliver one of these. If you do, the proper response (through broken teeth and swollen lips) is:
“Aren’t you a little stressed? Being that uptight’ll kill you, you know.”